Motherhood is a balance of self care and sacrifice and I’m coming clean right now to tell you, I have not done my part in the self care department. It hasn’t been for lack of trying…at least it didn’t start that way…
Parents of children with disabilities will never, ever tell you they are exhausted. We will never admit to you that we are so emotionally and mentally drained that there are days we simply do not know how we are going to make it. Some days there are moments we can’t even sit without tears falling down our cheeks. We will never admit to you that there are days we wish it didn’t have to be a fight or be this hard. You will tell us over and over we are strong and inside, we will be screaming that this fight is slowly killing us…
I believe this fight is slowly killing me.
That’s the truth.
I said it.
For nearly 5 years I’ve told myself that I’m okay, that this life is okay; diagnosis after diagnosis, surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure. And with all of my being, I truly believed it. There was power and safety in those words…I realize now, there is also great opportunity for self-destruction.
This weekend in some very apparent and scary ways, my body let me know that I cannot continue down this path in the same way…
I came face to face with not being okay.
I’m seeing it’s possible to be brave and strong and broken all at once. And sometimes, being broken is all we can be, all we can feel…sometimes sitting in the dark is all we can do. And if there’s one thing I know well, it’s that the darkness will become your tool to grow.
Our life is not easy, yet as mothers, parents and caregivers to our most precious and vulnerable gifts, it is essential we practice self love and care. And when we fall short (because we will), we must also grant ourselves grace.
Our families need us, but even more than that, we must first need ourselves.