He fought the tears and tried to be strong, anxiously wringing his not so chubby – but still little – almost 4 year old hands, until they were red.
I searched him if only for just a glimmer of understanding…begged him to use his words, to tell me – even one word – how he felt.
And then finally, a quiver in his soft, small voice, sounding as if it carried with it the death weight caused by all the archers tools, it came…
”shaky…it makes my inside…shaky…Mommy”.
There’s no on/off switch when it comes to parenting. You’re 100% in, or you’re not. Some days that means being the rescue patrol to your little darling when therapies don’t go as planned.
Having any time to myself is an extreme rarity, as I’m sure many moms can relate. Today was supposed to be that day for me…to relax, decorate, zone out while cooking a delicious meal. Those things won’t happen. Not today.
And yet it’s okay.
Because some days – actually, most days – we don’t even get to scratch the surface of what we had planned.
Some days life isn’t okay.
And in those uncertain moments of heartbreak and suffering, we must seek to understand. We must do our best to accept and sit with the discomfort of all that is, knowing that it’s okay for every soul, to not be okay sometimes.
And so we sit, silent and shaking, holding onto each other, to love.
Holding fast to the magnificent power that comes when parenting through the pain.